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Lesson Four: Word Choice
Don’t Thesaurusize.
The second trap into which many
students fall is thinking that big words make good essays. Advanced vocabulary is fine if
it comes naturally to you, and when used correctly in an appropriate context. After
reading thousands of essays, admissions officers know which students have come up with
difficult words by themselves and which have looked them up in a thesaurus.
Show, don’t tell. Too often, an essay with an
interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that “tell” rather
than “show” the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the
reader will not “get it” if they do not beat to death their main arguments.
Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clichés: “the value of hard work and
perseverance” or “learning to make a difference” or “not taking loved
ones for granted” or “dreams coming true” or “learning from
mistakes.” Such statements are acceptable if used minimally, as in topic sentences,
but the best essays do not use them at all. Instead, allow the details of your story to
make the statement for you. An example helps elucidate the difference:
In a mediocre essay: “I developed
a new compassion for the disabled.”
In a better essay: “Whenever I
had the chance to help the disabled, I did so happily.”
In an excellent essay: “The next
time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her
arm.”
The first example provides no detail, the
second example is still only hypothetical, but the final example evokes a vivid image of
something that actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the
applicant.
Don’t Get Too Conversational. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an
excessively casual tone should be eliminated from all but the most informal essays. The
following excerpt gives examples of all four offenses:
You are probably wondering, what are the
political issues that make this kid really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my
friends throwing away their right to vote. Voting is part of what makes this country
great. Some kids believe that their vote doesn’t count. Well, I think they’re
wrong.
In an essay like this one, in which you must
show that you take things seriously, your language should also take itself seriously. Only
non-traditional essays, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, should rely on
conversational elements. Write informally only when you are consciously trying to achieve
an effect that conveys your meaning.
Don’t repeatedly start
sentences with “I.” It is typical for the first draft of an essay to have
many of the following type of sentence: I + verb + object, for example, “I play
soccer.” If this kind of simple structure is used too many times in an essay, it will
have two effects: your language will sound stunted and unsophisticated; you will appear
extremely conceited -- imagine a conversation with someone who always talks about herself.
The trick is to change around the words without changing the meaning. Here is an example:
Before: “I started playing piano
when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the
effort needed to improve myself. I began to love music.
After: “I started playing piano
at the age of eight. From the beginning, I worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this
struggle taught me the effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano
nourished my love for music.
Don’t repeat the same
subject nouns. When writing an essay about soccer (or leadership),
do not repeatedly use the word “soccer” (or “leadership”). The
repetition of nouns has much the same stunting effect as the repetition of “I”
(see above). Look for alternative phrases for your subject nouns. For soccer, you might
use vague synonyms (“the sport,” “the game”) or specific terms
(“going to practice,” “completing a pass”). In the case of leadership,
you could use phrases such as “setting an example,” or “coordinating a
group effort.”
Continue
to Verb Tense
 EssayEdge Extra: Trimming the Fat
The following words and
phrases can usually be deleted from your essay without any loss of meaning. Just as an
athlete needs to work off the fat in order to perform well, your writing needs to stay
lean in order to pack more meaning into every sentence. Extra words rob your prose of
energy by making your language convoluted and just plain fluffy (also known in some
circles as “bull” or a stronger variant). The following phrases are especially
fattening because they invite passive constructions, those that employ the verb, “to
be.”
I believe that, I feel that, I hope that, I
think that, I realized that, I learned that, in other words, in order to, in fact, it is
essential that, it is important to see that, the reason why, the thing that is most
important is, this is important because, this means that, the point is that, really, very,
somewhat, absolutely, definitely, surely, truly, probably, practically, hopefully, in
conclusion, in summary.
Also look for subtle redundancies of the
“X and Y” variety. Only a few examples of the many are provided below. In each
pair, the two words mean nearly the same thing -- so why write both? Such redundancies
show the reader that you are not thinking about what you are saying. And, the more
clichéd phrases make your essay sound like all of the others. Instead of resorting to
these sinister twins, think of more precise language, words that really pin down your
unique experience.
Hard work and effort, teamwork and
cooperation, dreams and aspirations, personal growth and development, determination and
diligence, challenges and difficulties, objectives and goals, worries and concerns, love
and caring.
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Continue to Verb Tense
From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO
COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman. Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational
Series, Inc.
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